"Personality Development 360"-a 360-degree training program for Personal and Professional advancement.

How Organizations can 'Move from a Culture of Conflict to a Culture of Collaboration'...

A project review meeting was going on in a company... 

Conflict

The project leader asked the team why the project was not going at the speed as intended...The participants in the meeting were giving different reasons for the slowing down of the project. One participant said that the other department did not supply information at a critical time. Another participant blamed the production department for not supplying the raw material on time. Another participant said the team members were not supporting each other in completing the work on time. Finally, the leader asked the participants what each department would do to complete the project.

Reading the brief above, what do you think is the issue with the team described above as to why the project is getting delayed...?

It is very obvious from the brief that there is no collaboration in the team. There seems to be a  lot of unresolved conflict among the members. 

What is Organizational Culture?

An organization's culture is built on the values and beliefs that the organization nurtures and promotes. To that extent, an organization's culture is a reflection of its values and beliefs.

On a behavioral level, organizational culture refers to the way the organization goes about achieving its goals on a day-to-day basis. It means the way employees work and interact with each other, i.e. the organizational behavior. 

However, in my perception, the quickest way to assess and understand the culture of an organization is to see how the individuals and teams in the organization respond to stressful situations.  

A Culture of Conflict or a Culture of Collaboration...?

An organization is made up of individuals and individuals have different ideologies and values.

Diversity or Conflict?

In such a scenario, there is bound to be differences of opinion between people.  This is called diversity. And diversity is a  blessing when you use it to achieve organizational objectives.  

On the other hand, the general population tends to take diversity as an offense to their personality. Some think 'anybody different from themselves is an enemy to them'. Sometimes, people hate others who are different from themselves.  

When people in an organization perceive diversity negatively, conflict is easily generated among the employees; and employees pit themselves against each other. It generates a climate of competition (i.e. employees competing with each other for power and position) rather than a climate of collaboration (i.e. employees working as a team).  Ego clashes become the norm in such climate and as a result, organizational productivity suffers.

That is how the culture of an organization vitiates. 

On the other hand, organizations can nurture a culture of collaboration where employees understand the goals of the organization and move towards achieving them as a team. Organizations can do this by promoting values and behaviors that promote collaboration. 

Six Collaborative Behaviors for Building a Collaborative Culture

Collaborative Climate

In my work with organizations, I have zeroed in on six values and behaviors that promote a culture of collaboration in organizations. I have observed that promoting and nurturing these six collaborative behaviors can help an organization make the transition from a conflicting culture to a collaborative culture:

1. Taking Ownership at Work

Ownership at the personal level is the first value that organizations need to nurture. It lays the foundation for the next level i.e. working together. Without ownership at a personal level, no organization can succeed in developing a collaborative culture which is a prerequisite for organizational success. A culture of ownership is one where employees feel that it is their organization and take initiative to solve problems and find new innovations without being told or prompted.

2. Open and Empathetic Communication

Communication is the lifeblood of any organization. But, if the people in an organization want to work together seamlessly, communication has to be open and empathetic. Open communication happens when the people in the organization talk issues openly and the top management shares information with all the levels of employees. This builds trust among employees. To inculcate open communication as a value, hiding information for personal gain should be discouraged and any kind of manipulation should be punished by the management.  

In the same way, one needs to develop empathy for the person who is communicating. Empathy creates emotional bonding among employees and relationships improve as a result. These two qualities of communication help organizations build teams that perform at their best.  

 

3. Mutual Appreciation and Recognition 

People like to be appreciated and recognized for their good work. Appreciation is like food for the emotional health of a person. Appreciating and recognizing each other at work is a behavior that motivates the employees of an organization to give their best performance every time. However, in most organizations, appreciation is perceived negatively and is discouraged. Often, people take good work for granted and no appreciation is given to people who make extra efforts. Managements often think that appreciation makes people slack and that 'employees don't listen to you if you give them appreciation.' But, this is a mistake that managements should correct.

4. Sharing the Credit of Success and the Responsibility of Failure Equally

This is one value that catapults an organization's culture. If one member of a team or a department shares the credit of success with the whole team, camaraderie flourishes, and everyone wants to be in such a team. If that member happens to be the team leader or the head of the department, the shared happiness is so much more. The same thing applies to failure as well. Teams that have members who share the responsibility of failure do much better than teams that have members who don't share the responsibility. However, this is not an easy value to inculcate for managements because the natural human tendency is towards taking credit for success and disowning the responsibility of failure. However, with persistent efforts, organizations can inculcate this value into their organizations. 

5. Collaborative Problem-solving 

In the current scenario of business, organizations face issues daily. Hence, problem-solving becomes a daily activity for most organizations. In such a scenario, it is good that problem-solving is done collectively. Collaborative problem-solving has three merits to it: One, 'ten thinking heads can generate a better solution to a problem than one head thinking'; Two, all the members are involved in collective problem-solving and as a result, trust and bonding are built. Three, there is a chance to use the large pool of talent that is available to the organization. 

However, in most organizations, problem-solving is done individually as it is assumed that problem-solving is the duty of the team leader or the department head. There are many reasons why problem-solving is done individually, lack of time being one reason.    

6. Positive Confrontation

Taken positively, confrontation can become a great tool for growth, both personally and organizationally. For, in confrontation, one gets the opportunity to get constructive feedback from others which, in turn, provides an opportunity to improve one's performance. However, in many organizations, confrontation becomes almost non-existent as obedience to management is upheld as a value. Such being the scenario, organizations need to foster positive confrontation as a value because true innovation is possible with confrontation; and not with submissiveness.  

Miracles Happen with Collaboration... 

Miracles

When organizations nurture and sustain a collaborative culture, they start seeing miracles in their organizations. For, in collaboration alone can we build great organizations that perform up to their highest potential and achieve unprecedented success...So,

LETS' BUILD COLLABORATIVE CULTURES! 

You can contact the author to learn more about organizational culture and how organizations can build a collaborative culture. The author is an Organizational Culture Coach, Psychotherapist, L&D Expert, and Behavioral Trainer. 

How does Psychotherapy Help in Personal Growth?

Psychotherapy

One day, a patient went to see a doctor about his problem. The patient had a problem with sleeping because of stress at work and relationship issues. After examining the patient, the doctor suggested to the patient: "The problem is not very much physical. So, why don't you see a psychotherapist?" The patient was upset and immediately replied, "Doctor, I am not a psycho to go to a psychotherapist." The doctor laughed and said, "Psychotherapy is not for psychopaths alone. Anybody who wants to change any aspect of their behavior or emotions which are bothering them can consult a psychotherapist."

What is Psychotherapy?

The word 'psychotherapy' is a combination of two root words: 'psyche' i.e. mind and 'therapy' i.e. treatment.  Whereas the word 'psycho' is a short name for 'psychopath' which means a person who is psychologically diseased or deranged to such an extent that he is a threat to himself and to others. The word 'psychopath' itself is a combination of two root words, 'psyche' i.e. mind and 'pathos' i.e. suffering or disease.

Mental Illness 

By definition, psychotherapy is the treatment of mental or psychological illnesses without using any form of medication. Informally, it is called 'Talk Therapy'. In fact, the Oxford English Dictionary defines psychotherapy as 'treatment of mental illness by discussing somebody's problems with them rather than by giving them drugs.' 

  

In fact, the word 'therapy' means a method of treatment without using medicines. There are many therapies like yoga therapy, physiotherapy, aromatherapy and music therapy that treat physical as well as mental problems without medication and to a reasonable rate of success.  

Types of Psychotherapies

There are hundreds of therapies being practiced in the psychotherapy spectrum today. However, all of them can be categorized into three mainstream therapies as below:

1. Psychodynamic Therapy (PDT): Psycho-dynamic Therapy believes that childhood experiences and their memories stored in the unconscious part of the mind play a major role in the formation of personality and behavior. The negative memories haunt the person throughout his life. So, Psycho-dynamic Therapy attempts to bring about change in a person by bringing the unconscious memories to the conscious awareness of the person and thus cure the negative emotions in the person.
2. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): Cognitive Behavior Therapy believes that a person's thoughts and beliefs play a major role in the feelings and behavior of a person. So, it attempts to bring about change in a person by correcting the thoughts and beliefs of a person and thus change the behavior and feelings of the person.   
3. Humanistic Therapies:  Humanistic therapies believe in the inherent capacity of a person to change his life. These therapies help a person decide what is best for him and then take action to bring about the change. Humanistic Therapies are person-oriented and so the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist plays a major role in curing the patient.

Psychotherapy and Personal Development

Personal Development

Traditionally, psychotherapy was looked upon as a method for treating mental illness or disease. Its focus was on treating a disease rather than personal growth and wellness. It focused on treating common mental illnesses like Depression, Anxiety disorders,  Personality Disorders, Schizophrenia, etc...


Nowadays, psychotherapy has been increasingly looked upon as a tool for personal growth and wellness. The focus has been shifting from illness to wellness. Besides treating mental illness, today's psychotherapy focuses on enhancing emotional well-being and bringing about personal change and growth.

Transactional Analysis as an Integrated Psychotherapy Model

Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy is considered as an integrated psychotherapy model because it includes the principles of all the mainstream therapies mentioned above. 

• TA integrates the fundamental principles of Psycho-dynamic Therapy into it. For example, the central concept of Life Scripts in TA is essentially psycho-dynamic in nature. A 'Life Script' is defined as 'an unconscious life plan made in childhood under parental influence.' 
• TA also integrates the practices and principles of Cognitive Behavior Therapy into it. For example, the fundamental TA concepts of 'Transactions' and 'Games' teach us how to understand people and their behavior and thus interact with others effectively. In fact, Eric Berne says that one of the goals of TA is 'social control.' That is the reason he called TA as 'Social Psychiatry' in his book, 'Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy.'
• TA also integrates Humanistic Therapies into it. The very foundational beliefs of TA are based on Humanistic philosophy. TA believes that people are OK and that they have the capacity to think and decide their destiny.

A Case Example in TA Psychotherapy

• Ramu (the name has been changed for confidentiality), a software engineer working in an MNC software company approached me for psychotherapy saying that he was not able to communicate confidently before his superiors and colleagues and that he had this problem throughout his career. He also told me that often he felt lonely and felt that life was boring.
• In the course of therapy (in the next two to three sessions), we delved into the childhood experiences of Ramu and discovered that his parents told him he was not important in comparison to others. As an example, he told me that whenever his cousin's family visited their house, the children of the cousin's family were treated with respect, and they were given preference in everything. He was told that they were more important than himself and his sister because they were educated and rich. These kinds of experiences  made Ramu believe that he was 'less than others.' 
• In the later sessions with Ramu, based on his childhood experiences, I constructed his beliefs - about himself, others and life in general. One such belief about himself was that he was not important in comparison to others and so he should not cause inconvenience to others. As a result, he always put the needs of others before his needs and never asserted himself. He had other beliefs like people always use him for their selfishness and that life was boring and had no fun.

  

  Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy

• Then, I helped Ramu to counter those beliefs by confronting whether they were true: Was he not important and whether his needs were not important for him. After discovering his negative beliefs and writing counter statements to them, Ramu understood why he was behaving the way he did. As a result, his behavior changed quickly. He started asserting himself and asking for his needs and started believing that he was 'not less than anybody'. His communication with his superiors improved quickly and suddenly life seemed to be interesting.   

Approaching Psychotherapy Positively... 

Finally, we need to understand that psychotherapy is not just for treating mental illnesses alone, it is also a great tool for personal growth and emotional well-being. However, in India, there is still a stigma attached to people going for psychotherapy. There is a need to change our perspective that any mental health condition needs to be attended with as much seriousness as we attend any physical health condition because...

      ...MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT

For any kind of counseling and psychotherapy needs, you can contact the author. The author is a Psychotherapist, Personal Development Coach, and Behavioral and Communication Trainer.  

"Look at me, Or I'll Die"

Just imagine you are kept in a small room without any contact with people outside, with no cellphone, no books and newspapers...but you are supplied with food every day.  How many days can you survive and what kind of life will that be?

I leave it to your imagination...

But the point is we cannot live long without stimulation that comes from human contact and interaction. Or we might live, but we will slowly deteriorate in all aspects-physically, mentally and emotionally.

Dr. Rene Spitz's Study

In the 1940's, Dr. Rene Spitz, an Austrian Psychoanalyst made a comparative study in which he

studied the development of two groups of infants since the time they were born. One group of infants were in a hospital-like setting where the infants were fed well and were taken care of their hygiene by nurses, while the other group were in a prison nursery and were visited by their mothers daily and the mothers were allowed to spend time with their children . Strangely though, after two years, one third of the children from the hospital setting died and most others developed physical and metal illnesses. Interestingly, the children brought up in the prison settings were healthy and had no developmental issues. 

Dr. Rene Spitz explained the phenomenon saying that the infants in the hospital deteriorated in spite of being fed well and kept hygienic because they did not get the love and attention that a mother gives to a child which the infants in the prison nursery got.

This study shows that we, human beings,  need stimulation from people and environment for our physical and mental well-being. These acts which give us stimulation are called strokes in TA (Transactional Analysis).   

Strokes in Transactional Analysis

A stroke is any act of attention or recognition given to or taken by person. Strokes keep the brain active, and through the brain, every cell in the body gets energized and rejuvenated.
Here are a few examples of strokes:

• A mere look, a smile or a greeting
• A touch, pat on the back or a slap
• A hug or a kiss
• A kind word, or a  word of appreciation or a scolding
• A award won or a promotion lost  
• An intimate relationship
• A sexual act  etc... 

The human nature is such that if we don't get strokes or these acts of stimulation, we will go to any extent to get them, even to the extent of committing a crime or killing somebody. After all, everyone needs strokes for their survival.

Types of Strokes

The first way of classifying strokes is either they are physical or verbal:  

• Physical Strokes: Physical strokes are strokes given through touch or by using the five senses. For example, a pat, a shake hand, a touch or a smile or a look etc...
• Verbal Strokes: Verbal strokes are strokes given through words or using language. For example,  a compliment, words of appreciation or criticism, 

The second way of classifying strokes is either they are positive or negative: 

• Positive Strokes: A positive stroke is a stroke that makes you feel good or energizes you. For example, you just enter your office and your colleague gives you a positive compliment about your dress and appearance. That's a positive stroke. 
• Negative Strokes: A negative stroke is a stroke that makes you feel bad or de-energized. For example, you prepare a project working hard day and night, but your boss says it's a bad report. That's a negative stroke. 

The third way of classifying strokes is either they are conditional or unconditional:

• Conditional Strokes: Conditional strokes are strokes that you get for something which you did. It can be either positive or negative. For example, you pass a test with A grade, your father gives you a compliment, saying, "Well done, my boy!". The compliment is conditional i.e. it is given because you did well in the test. Now imagine you failed the test. What will you get?...A negative remark in most cases.  
• Unconditional Strokes: Unconditional strokes are strokes that you get for what you are irrespective of what you do. For example, somebody tells you, 'You're such a lovely person." This is an unconditional stroke because it not connected to anything you did. In the same way, if somebody tells you, "I hate you." It is an unconditional stroke too, but a negative one. 

How to Use Strokes for Better Relationships

When we get enough strokes, we will be healthy mentally and physically; when we do not get strokes, we crave for them. People who are deprived of strokes find it difficult to form healthy and meaningful relationships and as a result, they often go into depression or get into addictions.

Exchanging strokes is essential to the maintenance of any relationship. Strokes provide lubrication for  the vehicle called 'relationship'. The more you give positive and unconditional strokes, the stronger the relationship becomes.

• One of the most valued unconditional stroke is saying, "I love you." 
• Spending time with a person is the best positive stroke one can give.
• Taking care of another person is another way of giving strokes.

Finally, follow these simple acts on a daily basis for better relationships:

• Pay attention to people
• Appreciate them when they do something good
• Give feedback wherever necessary

and most importantly...

DON'T IGNORE PEOPLE!

To learn more about how 'strokes' can be used to improve relationships and to learn more about Transactional Analysis (TA), you can contact the author in person.  The author is a TA Therapist, Life Coach, Communication and Behavioral Trainer .        

How Can You Become a Better Communicator?

We know communication is the most important element for success in business and relationships.

However, often communication between people and groups fails because of the training that we got from the society.

In a society where machines and information  rule, the interpersonal aspect of communication is overlooked as the information aspect of communication takes precedence.

In this context, there are two misconceptions or myths which are responsible for the failure of communication:

Myth No. 1: Communication is Information Transfer

Communication is not just transfer of information. Communication also has to do with emotions. In fact, human communication always happens on two levels: 

1. Information Level: This is the message that we want convey. It is the words we are using to communicate. 
2. Emotional Level: This is about how we feel about the message or the person who is delivering the message. This is about Body Language and connecting to the emotions. 

Myth No.2: Communication is Predominantly Speaking

When I ask the question,"What is communication?", to participants of a training program, the most common answer I get is: "Communication is speaking effectively and making an impression with our speech."

There is so much of focus on speaking in communication that listening does not get its place in the society. As a result, there is so much misunderstanding and fighting in the world.

However, we need to understand that:

• Communication is a Two-Way Process which involves Listening and Speaking.

In fact, Communication is never complete without the listener understanding the message completely and listening is more important than speaking in most situations.

Six Ways You can Become a Better Communicator

1. Believe that you can Communicate Well

People cannot communicate well because they believe deep down that they are not good at communication. This has to do with the beliefs they acquired as children from their relationship with their parents or caretakers. If the parent or caretaker might have told them, "You cannot speak well." and the child believes it to be true. Let me give an example from my counseling practice: 

• Lalitha was a student in a communication training program I was conducting. She approached me saying that she could not communicate well and that she wanted help in communicating with others. However, from my interaction with her in the classroom, I could see that she could speak good English and that she was quite intelligent. But, she believed that she could not speak English well and she could not speak to others. In the course of my therapy sessions with her, she understood that it was her grandparents who told her not to speak before others and that she was not good at anything. I worked with her to make her understand that it was  a belief she was carrying form her childhood. Once she understood that it was a wrong belief about herself that she was carrying all the time, she changed her belief about herself and she became bolder and assertive. In a few days after therapy, her voice and demeanor changed and she could communicate with confidence.  

2. Lose your Fear of Communication

Many people have a fear of communication. They are afraid of speaking in front of a group. They are
even afraid of speaking with a stranger.

This fear of communication is deep as it relates to the childhood relationship pattern they had with their parents. If the parents encouraged the child to speak without fear in front of others, the person will become a confident communicator later on. On the other hand, if the parents discouraged the child from speaking with others,  the child develops a fear of communication. A sign of this fear in everyday life is: our body shrinks whenever we go to meet someone or speak before a group.

3. Listen More than you Speak

By default, people speak more than they listen in an interaction. But for better communication, we should listen more and speak less in any interaction. As a rule, we must listen first and speak later. If
we listen first, then we will understand what the other person is saying and we will know what to say.

My favorite statement on communication is: "Most of the problems of the world would be solved if only people listened." 

4. Connect to the Feeling as well as to the Content

As I mentioned earlier in this article, there are two levels of communication: Information level and Emotional level. If you only listen to the content or information in the conversation, you are missing out more than 80% of the communication.(Refer my article The Body is the Medium dated 18 April, 2020 for more on Body Language).

When you are interacting with someone, pay attention not only to what they are saying but also how they are saying i.e. their Body Language. Paying attention to their posture, gestures, facial expressions and their tone of voice will give clues to what they are feeling as they are speaking.

5. Formulate your Message Well

Before you communicate, you must formulate your message. If you have to get into a structured communication, structure your message along these steps:

• Be clear about why you want to communicate
• Learn about the listener or audience
• Think over what to say
• Order the flow of information
• Be open to what the listener has to say while communicating

6. Visualize and Practice for Successful Communication  

Visualizing is seeing your goal as already accomplished in your mind's eye. Practice is actualization
i.e. bringing that vision into reality. Follow these pointers in
visualization and practice:

• Visualize the end result you want
• Be as specific and detailed as possible in visualization
• Use all the five senses in your visualization
• Practice in front of a mirror first, then in front of a friend or colleague

Following these steps will help one become a better communicator. As with any any aspect of personal development, improving communication is changing oneself from inside out.

So, WORK ON YOURSELF FROM INSIDE OUT!



To learn more about communication and to overcome the fear of communication, you can contact the author in person.  The author is a Life Coach, Communication Trainer and Psychotherapist.  

The Four Basic Emotions and their Triggers

Did you any time think how many emotions a human being can feel?

Psychological research says we can feel hundreds of emotions and even thousands!

So, wouldn't it be difficult to recognize hundreds and thousands of emotions of others and of ourselves?

Definitely it is going to be a difficult job!

So, what do we do?

If you have seen the animated movie, "Inside Out" (2015), you will easily understand what the main emotions are: Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust.

Psychologists had been saying that there were eight basic emotions. Later on psychologists reduced the basic emotions to seven...six...and even to five. However, quite recently, psychological research has accepted four emotions as basic emotions.

The Four Basic Emotions and their Shades

1. Often, we feel pleased, contented, amused, cheerful, delighted, excited, elated and ecstatic... The intensity of these emotions may vary, but all these emotions are grouped under one emotion i.e. HAPPINESS
2. We also feel  disappointed, upset, moody, heart-broken, miserable, sorrowful, depressed... In spite of their variation in intensity, all these emotions can be grouped under one emotion i.e. SADNESS.S
3. We also feel irritated, sulky, annoyed, frustrated, mad, irate, outraged, enraged, furious...These emotions can be grouped under one emotion i.e. ANGER
4. We also feel anxious, worried, nervous, frightened, apprehensive, panicky, petrified, horrified, terrified...These emotions can be grouped under one emotion i.e. FEAR

Emotions and their General Triggers

Dr. Paul Ekman, the world's authority on emotions and facial expressions, says that every emotion has a reason or a broad trigger which he calls a 'theme'. The following are the triggers for the four basic emotions:

1. ANGER: The general trigger or theme for anger is that we get angry when things don't go the way we planned. For example, we get angry with the salesman for getting a delivery late. A father gets angry with his son if he does not do as he wishes. 
2. FEAR:  The general trigger or theme for fear is that we get frightened or afraid when there is a threat to our welfare. For example, we get worried when our health gets affected. We are nervous before an exam or presentation. We get terrified when we see a car coming to hit us. 
3. SADNESS: The broad theme of sadness is that we become sad when we lose something. For example, we get sad when we lose a purse or money. We are sad we break up with friends. The most intense feeling of sadness one experiences is when a loved dies.
4. HAPPINESS: The general reason for happiness is when things happen our way or something good happens to us. For example, we are happy when somebody accepts a friend request. We are happy when we get a promotion or get married to the love of our life.      

How can we Recognize these Emotions?

Recognizing these emotions is easy and difficult at the same time. It is easy because we recognize other people's emotions all the time without our knowledge. For example, we know unconsciously when somebody is angry or somebody is sad. Only thing is that we don't do it consciously. The moment we try to do it consciously,  it becomes difficult unless you master it. The following are the basic signs to recognize the four basic emotions:

1. SADNESS: When someone becomes sad, we observe a certain sagging in the body posture and a lack of energy or enthusiasm. When it comes to the facial expressions, the inner corners of the eyebrows go up and the lips get widened and turn downwards.
2. ANGER: When someone is angry, their posture becomes upright and they look strong. They often clench their fist or point a finger. As per the facial expressions, the eyebrows come down; the eyelids go up and the mouth and the jaw become tense.
3. FEAR: When someone is afraid, there is a slouch in the posture as opposed to anger. In the facial expressions, the eyebrows are pulled up and the eyelids are pulled up too; and the mouth is half open.  
4. HAPPINESS: When some one is happy, the most common thing to observe is the smile. In a genuine smile, not only the muscles around the mouth relax, bu also the muscles around the eyes contract. In body posture, one becomes relaxed and the body opens up we feel happy.

Observing body language and recognizing the emotions of the other person will surely benefit us as it helps us empathize with the person. And sometimes it can help us in making a decision as to run away from the person or  show that we are not happy with the person or situation. 

References

• 'Emotions Revealed: Understanding Faces and Feelings" by Paul Ekman, 2004.

To learn more about emotions and for Emotional Intelligence Coaching, contact the author. The author is a Psychotherapist, Life Coach and Behavioral Communication Trainer.

The Body is the Medium

The Body as the Primary Communicator

What our body communicates is more powerful than what we communicate orally i.e. through our words and voice signals

Understanding Body Language becomes crucial in every important interaction in life:

• A psychologist or psychotherapist understands the negative patterns of behavior and feelings the client is struggling with, by observing the client's bodily reactions.

• When we meet a person for the first time, we can say if he is a cheerful kind of a person or gloomy kind of a person by looking at their facial muscles and body posture. 

• A person talking to her friend knows whether her friend is happy with what she is saying or not by looking at the eye movements and facial expressions

Dr. Mehrabian's 7--38--55 Rule of Communication

Dr. Albert Mehrabian, an Iranian psychologist researched on non-verbal communication in the 1960's and came up with a rule for face-to-face or interpersonal communication. He proposed that there are three elements that contribute to the happening of communication. The three elements that contributed to our communication are: Spoken Word, Voice Signals and Body Language. He concluded that the three elements contributed to the happening of communication in the following ratio:

•          7% by Words 
•          35% by Voice Quality (Tone, Pitch, Volume and Pause)
•          58% by Body Language

From the above chart, we can understand the weightage Body Language carries in face-t-face or interpersonal communication.

The Different Aspects of Body Language

Body Language gives a lot of clues to understand a person and his or her personality. There are many aspects of body language that psychologists study. However, the following are the most elementary aspects of body language: 

1. Body Stiffness or Muscular Relaxation: When we meet some people, we know that they are very stiff and their body is uptight. We know immediately that these kinds of people do not mingle with others that easily and we know that we cannot make friends with them easily. We all know communication with such people is difficult because they do not open up easily.
2. Body Vibrations or Energy:  When we meet people, we also experience certain vibrations from them. We know how energetic that person is as well as the dominant emotion of that person by these vibrations. We speak in terms of positive vibrations and negative vibrations we get from people.
3. The Breathing Signals: By observing the breathing, we can understand the emotional state of a person. For example, a short and irregular breath indicates anxiety and tension while a deep and slow breath indicates calmness and composure. A sigh can indicate desperation or relief and a sniff can indicate disgust. 
4. Carriage and Gait: The way one carries his body around and walks can tell a lot about his personality. We can differentiate between a person who is arrogant and a person who is low in confidence by looking at the way he or she walks.
5. Sitting and Standing Postures: Posture reveals a lot about a person's mental state. Erect and square shoulders indicate a confident personality while a bent spine and drooped shoulders indicate somebody who is not very confident.
6. Gestures: The way we move our hands is called a ‘gesture’. A gesture like a sharp throw of the hand can indicate anger while folded hands can indicate disinterest or caution.
7. Facial Muscles and Expression: The face is an index of not only the mind, but of the whole personality. Paul Ekman, the world's authority on facial expressions, says that there are 43 muscles in the face representing different emotions. (https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-physiology-of-facial-expressions)
8. Eye contact and Eye Movement: The eyes can express a whole range of emotions-from a sadistic look to a secret smile. The way we move our can also indicate the thinking and emotion of the person.

Body Language and Script Analysis in TA

Transactional Analysis says that person’s body language and their script are related. A person’s script can be studied by studying the signals he or she is sending through their body language. Dr. Eric Berne calls these ‘Script Signals.” 

Six Therapeutic Ways That can Improve your Body Language

Since body language is a reflection of one’s personality deep down, we need to take steps that change the person inside out. Hence I am suggesting some activities that change the person inside out and that way change in body language happens.

1. Focus on Improving your Posture:  Posture is just not a reflection of one’s confidence; it is a reflection of one’s belief s about oneself and the world. A person with a stooping body posture thinks that he is not good enough as a person and that he cannot handle the world. People with stooping body posture can benefit by doing yoga. Yoga can improve the posture of a person considerably. Even other ways like Physiotherapy Exercises can help one in straitening the spine.

   

   Yoga

2. Release the Pent-up Emotions in the Body: From the point of view of therapy, our body is carrying the pent-up emotions that have been stored since our childhood.  Hence one needs to focus on releasing these pent-up feelings rather than just focusing on outward actions. Massage is one way to clear our pent up emotions. Any kind of massage can heal, but therapeutic massage can have better effect.   Massage relaxes the body muscles and it helps one in becoming a happier person. In that way, massage also cures a person of her script. Massage releases the emotions suppressed in the body and can make a person come out of their emotional past.
   
   

   

   Massage

3. Relax the Facial Muscles: As I mentioned earlier, the face is the index of personality and can show the beliefs and feelings of a person. The level of relaxability of face indicates how happy a person is and whether she has any behavioral issues. One of the best ways to relax the facial muscles is practicing the full-blown smile. In his book, “What Do You Say After You Say Hello?” Eric Berne talks about the smile of the Fijian Islanders. He says “a genuine Fijian smile starts slowly, it illuminates the whole face, it rests there long enough to be clearly recognized…”  Paul Ekman says, in a genuine smile, almost the whole face is illuminated in

   

   A Full-blown Smile

   which even the eyebrows and the skin between the upper eyelid and the eyebrow are involved.
4. Get Rid of your Fears:  Our fears also inhibit us from being free and relaxed. Most people have the fear of facing people; most also have the fear of speaking or appearing in front of a group. Once we overcome these fears, our body and face relax and we communicate better with the body. The posture can improve as well as our gestures can be spontaneous.
5. Engage yourself in a Passion or Hobby: Engaging oneself in a hobby or a passion also relaxes the person as they forget themselves in that activity. Often, the passion or hobby heals the emotional blocks of the person and they become relieved from their negative emotional patterns. This improves their overall body language.
6. Develop Intimate Relationships: Love is the best therapy. When we have intimate relationships, we become free of our negative past. Once we are free of our negative past, our body language improves as our body learns to relax and trust the other person

Besides all the methods above, getting psychotherapy is a systematic way to get rid of our inhibitions and contaminations in thought and feeling. 

• Transactional Analysis (TA) Therapy, in particular, will help a person to systematically dismantle their prejudices and delusions and thus release the body of its emotional built-up. 
• Body Psychotherapy or Somatic Therapy which works directly with the body releases the body of the emotional stress accumulated in the in the body. As a result, the body language of a person will be more relaxed, more confident and stress-free. The posture, gestures, facial expressions will improve and muscular relaxation will happen and breathing will be deep and stable.     

How is our Life Script Formed?

In my previous post (3, April, 2020) I have discussed about Life Scripts. As per Transactional Analysis, a life script is a plan you made for your life, in all probability, by the age of six and obviously it was made without maturity and awareness.

How does a Child Form the Script?

The Script is formed based on the experiences that the child has with his parents or caretakers in his childhood. Based on the experiences and the way the child has been treated, the child makes certain decisions about his life.

Some of these decisions can be:

• I will end up being a loser
• I will be a loner (a lonely person) all my life
• I will live a life without love 
• I will work hard all my life (I will never enjoy life)
• I will go crazy (i.e. mad)
• I will be successful whatever the struggles 

The Parent's Role in Forming the Script

The parents provide the experiences for forming the script. The child comes to certain conclusions about itself based on the interactions with its parents.

For example, if the parent rejects the child repeatedly when the child attempts to approach the parent for a hug or consolation, the child will form a belief, "I am not worthy of love" or I am worth nothing." Based on these experiences and similar experiences in his life, the child builds a 'Loveless Life Script' or  a 'Loser's Life Script'.

The Role of  Parental Commands in the Formation of Script

In the course of bringing up the child, the parent (i.e. both parents) unknowingly gives certain commands or directives to the child. These commands have the power of a curse or boon on the child. These commands are powerful  for the child because the parent is like a Fairy God or Goddess or all-too powerful Witch. These commands can be compared to the curses given by our Gods and Goddesses or Sages who were inconvenienced or irritated. It is like a curse given by Goddess Bhoodevi (Goddess of Earth) to king Karna in  Mahabharat ( a Mythological Epic in India).



Some of the commands can be:

• Kill Yourself 
• Be a Fool or Dud
• Go Crazy (mad)
• Don't be Happy in Life
• Don't be Successful (You will never be Successful)
• Work Hard all your life
• Become a Drug Addict
• Don't Be Close to People (Never have Close Relationships)

In the course of time, the child collects evidence to reinforce his Script Beliefs in his interactions with others. Whenever someone does something like its parents did, it will strengthen its beliefs and reinforce it script.

Thus, based on the experiences and the commands given by the parent, the child builds a script and these beliefs and the decisions of the child get reinforced with later experiences as the child is inclined to collect evidence which supports his script beliefs and reject those experiences that do not match its script beliefs.  Ultimately, one lives one's a pre-determined life and meets one's pre-destined end or death as decided in the script.

Can we Break the Script and Rewrite it?

Yes. our Script can be broken and rewritten to live a life of autonomy. Transactional Analysis offers the tools and techniques to break one's script and live a script-free life. Eric Berne, the originator of Transactional Analysis came up with a tool called Script Analysis. Using Script Analysis, one can become aware of one's script and take action to break the script and live a script-free life.

To learn about Script Analysis and Transactional Analysis Therapy, the readers can approach the author of this blog @: karunakararaobotcha@gmail.com.    

Developing Emotional Sensitivity for Better Relationships

Are you Sensitive to your Partner's Emotions in your Relationship?

Emotional Insensitivity

Many of us are insensitive to the emotions of our partners in our relationships-be it a husband-wife, friend-friend, colleague-colleague, peer-peer or parent-child relationship. Some people are blind to the emotions of the others, sometimes. Some other people are blind  to the emotional state of others all the time. Or  Some others can tune into the emotional state of the partner, but they cannot empathize or respond appropriately to their partners. 

I would like to give some examples of emotional insensitivity from my counseling experience:

• One client I was counseling confessed to me that her husband has never understood her feelings for the last fifteen years. 
• A student I was counseling told me that she has been trying to get a hug from her mother for the last 9 years, but in vain.
• A parent told me that his son was grossly insensitive to the emotions and concerns of the parents in the family.

How does it Matter?

Emotional Sensitivity Matters. For, If you are insensitive to the partner's emotional state, you cannot respond to it appropriately. As a result, the relationship gets deteriorated.

• For example, your partner is angry with you for something. If you also get angry with her just because she is angry, then it leads to a clash. In this case, you are not taking time to understand why she is angry with you. As a result, you never get a chance to understand her emotions and you never get to bond with her emotionally.   

On the other hand, if you are sensitive to your partner's emotions, you can respond to the emotional state appropriately and the relationship gets strengthened.

• Taking the example given above, your partner is angry with you for something and you take time to tune into her feeling of anger and you discuss with her and tell her that you understand her feelings, then the emotional bonding strengthened between you both.  

Tuning into the Emotional State of the Other Person

Emotional Sensitivity

The ability to sense the emotional state of the other person is called empathy. Empathy is the ability
to get into the perceptual world of the other person and experience their feelings.

Five Things you can do to Develop Emotional Sensitivity

1. Listen not just to what the other person is saying, but also to what they are feeling: When we listen, focusing on feelings is more important than focusing on content or information because relationships are all about emotions rather than information.
2. Experience the emotion of the other person by imagining yourself in their position: This is what is called empathy, the ability to get into the emotional world of the other person.
3. Focus especially around the eyes and lips of the speaker while they are talking: Observing the eyes and the lips is essential to understanding the emotions of the other person because the eyes and the lips are the areas where the subtlest of emotions can be gauged.
4. Tell them that you understand their feelings and show it in your later interactions: This communicates that you are sensitive to their emotions and that you care for their feelings. 
5. Spend time with the people in your relationships:  For,  spending time with the people in your relationships not only shows that you care for them, but it can also help you to enhance your emotional sensitivity towards them.

The more you do the things above, the more you expand your Emotional Sensitivity Radar (ESR). We will discuss more about the ESR in the later posts...