"Look at me, Or I'll Die"

Just imagine you are kept in a small room without any contact with people outside, with no cellphone, no books and newspapers...but you are supplied with food every day.  How many days can you survive and what kind of life will that be?

I leave it to your imagination...

But the point is we cannot live long without stimulation that comes from human contact and interaction. Or we might live, but we will slowly deteriorate in all aspects-physically, mentally and emotionally.

Dr. Rene Spitz's Study

In the 1940's, Dr. Rene Spitz, an Austrian Psychoanalyst made a comparative study in which he

studied the development of two groups of infants since the time they were born. One group of infants were in a hospital-like setting where the infants were fed well and were taken care of their hygiene by nurses, while the other group were in a prison nursery and were visited by their mothers daily and the mothers were allowed to spend time with their children . Strangely though, after two years, one third of the children from the hospital setting died and most others developed physical and metal illnesses. Interestingly, the children brought up in the prison settings were healthy and had no developmental issues. 

Dr. Rene Spitz explained the phenomenon saying that the infants in the hospital deteriorated in spite of being fed well and kept hygienic because they did not get the love and attention that a mother gives to a child which the infants in the prison nursery got.

This study shows that we, human beings,  need stimulation from people and environment for our physical and mental well-being. These acts which give us stimulation are called strokes in TA (Transactional Analysis).   

Strokes in Transactional Analysis

A stroke is any act of attention or recognition given to or taken by person. Strokes keep the brain active, and through the brain, every cell in the body gets energized and rejuvenated.
Here are a few examples of strokes:

• A mere look, a smile or a greeting
• A touch, pat on the back or a slap
• A hug or a kiss
• A kind word, or a  word of appreciation or a scolding
• A award won or a promotion lost  
• An intimate relationship
• A sexual act  etc... 

The human nature is such that if we don't get strokes or these acts of stimulation, we will go to any extent to get them, even to the extent of committing a crime or killing somebody. After all, everyone needs strokes for their survival.

Types of Strokes

The first way of classifying strokes is either they are physical or verbal:  

• Physical Strokes: Physical strokes are strokes given through touch or by using the five senses. For example, a pat, a shake hand, a touch or a smile or a look etc...
• Verbal Strokes: Verbal strokes are strokes given through words or using language. For example,  a compliment, words of appreciation or criticism, 

The second way of classifying strokes is either they are positive or negative: 

• Positive Strokes: A positive stroke is a stroke that makes you feel good or energizes you. For example, you just enter your office and your colleague gives you a positive compliment about your dress and appearance. That's a positive stroke. 
• Negative Strokes: A negative stroke is a stroke that makes you feel bad or de-energized. For example, you prepare a project working hard day and night, but your boss says it's a bad report. That's a negative stroke. 

The third way of classifying strokes is either they are conditional or unconditional:

• Conditional Strokes: Conditional strokes are strokes that you get for something which you did. It can be either positive or negative. For example, you pass a test with A grade, your father gives you a compliment, saying, "Well done, my boy!". The compliment is conditional i.e. it is given because you did well in the test. Now imagine you failed the test. What will you get?...A negative remark in most cases.  
• Unconditional Strokes: Unconditional strokes are strokes that you get for what you are irrespective of what you do. For example, somebody tells you, 'You're such a lovely person." This is an unconditional stroke because it not connected to anything you did. In the same way, if somebody tells you, "I hate you." It is an unconditional stroke too, but a negative one. 

How to Use Strokes for Better Relationships

When we get enough strokes, we will be healthy mentally and physically; when we do not get strokes, we crave for them. People who are deprived of strokes find it difficult to form healthy and meaningful relationships and as a result, they often go into depression or get into addictions.

Exchanging strokes is essential to the maintenance of any relationship. Strokes provide lubrication for  the vehicle called 'relationship'. The more you give positive and unconditional strokes, the stronger the relationship becomes.

• One of the most valued unconditional stroke is saying, "I love you." 
• Spending time with a person is the best positive stroke one can give.
• Taking care of another person is another way of giving strokes.

Finally, follow these simple acts on a daily basis for better relationships:

• Pay attention to people
• Appreciate them when they do something good
• Give feedback wherever necessary

and most importantly...

DON'T IGNORE PEOPLE!

To learn more about how 'strokes' can be used to improve relationships and to learn more about Transactional Analysis (TA), you can contact the author in person.  The author is a TA Therapist, Life Coach, Communication and Behavioral Trainer .