How does Psychotherapy Help in Personal Growth?

Psychotherapy

One day, a patient went to see a doctor about his problem. The patient had a problem with sleeping because of stress at work and relationship issues. After examining the patient, the doctor suggested to the patient: "The problem is not very much physical. So, why don't you see a psychotherapist?" The patient was upset and immediately replied, "Doctor, I am not a psycho to go to a psychotherapist." The doctor laughed and said, "Psychotherapy is not for psychopaths alone. Anybody who wants to change any aspect of their behavior or emotions which are bothering them can consult a psychotherapist."

What is Psychotherapy?

The word 'psychotherapy' is a combination of two root words: 'psyche' i.e. mind and 'therapy' i.e. treatment.  Whereas the word 'psycho' is a short name for 'psychopath' which means a person who is psychologically diseased or deranged to such an extent that he is a threat to himself and to others. The word 'psychopath' itself is a combination of two root words, 'psyche' i.e. mind and 'pathos' i.e. suffering or disease.

Mental Illness 

By definition, psychotherapy is the treatment of mental or psychological illnesses without using any form of medication. Informally, it is called 'Talk Therapy'. In fact, the Oxford English Dictionary defines psychotherapy as 'treatment of mental illness by discussing somebody's problems with them rather than by giving them drugs.' 

  

In fact, the word 'therapy' means a method of treatment without using medicines. There are many therapies like yoga therapy, physiotherapy, aromatherapy and music therapy that treat physical as well as mental problems without medication and to a reasonable rate of success.  

Types of Psychotherapies

There are hundreds of therapies being practiced in the psychotherapy spectrum today. However, all of them can be categorized into three mainstream therapies as below:

1. Psychodynamic Therapy (PDT): Psycho-dynamic Therapy believes that childhood experiences and their memories stored in the unconscious part of the mind play a major role in the formation of personality and behavior. The negative memories haunt the person throughout his life. So, Psycho-dynamic Therapy attempts to bring about change in a person by bringing the unconscious memories to the conscious awareness of the person and thus cure the negative emotions in the person.
2. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT): Cognitive Behavior Therapy believes that a person's thoughts and beliefs play a major role in the feelings and behavior of a person. So, it attempts to bring about change in a person by correcting the thoughts and beliefs of a person and thus change the behavior and feelings of the person.   
3. Humanistic Therapies:  Humanistic therapies believe in the inherent capacity of a person to change his life. These therapies help a person decide what is best for him and then take action to bring about the change. Humanistic Therapies are person-oriented and so the therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist plays a major role in curing the patient.

Psychotherapy and Personal Development

Personal Development

Traditionally, psychotherapy was looked upon as a method for treating mental illness or disease. Its focus was on treating a disease rather than personal growth and wellness. It focused on treating common mental illnesses like Depression, Anxiety disorders,  Personality Disorders, Schizophrenia, etc...


Nowadays, psychotherapy has been increasingly looked upon as a tool for personal growth and wellness. The focus has been shifting from illness to wellness. Besides treating mental illness, today's psychotherapy focuses on enhancing emotional well-being and bringing about personal change and growth.

Transactional Analysis as an Integrated Psychotherapy Model

Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy is considered as an integrated psychotherapy model because it includes the principles of all the mainstream therapies mentioned above. 

• TA integrates the fundamental principles of Psycho-dynamic Therapy into it. For example, the central concept of Life Scripts in TA is essentially psycho-dynamic in nature. A 'Life Script' is defined as 'an unconscious life plan made in childhood under parental influence.' 
• TA also integrates the practices and principles of Cognitive Behavior Therapy into it. For example, the fundamental TA concepts of 'Transactions' and 'Games' teach us how to understand people and their behavior and thus interact with others effectively. In fact, Eric Berne says that one of the goals of TA is 'social control.' That is the reason he called TA as 'Social Psychiatry' in his book, 'Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy.'
• TA also integrates Humanistic Therapies into it. The very foundational beliefs of TA are based on Humanistic philosophy. TA believes that people are OK and that they have the capacity to think and decide their destiny.

A Case Example in TA Psychotherapy

• Ramu (the name has been changed for confidentiality), a software engineer working in an MNC software company approached me for psychotherapy saying that he was not able to communicate confidently before his superiors and colleagues and that he had this problem throughout his career. He also told me that often he felt lonely and felt that life was boring.
• In the course of therapy (in the next two to three sessions), we delved into the childhood experiences of Ramu and discovered that his parents told him he was not important in comparison to others. As an example, he told me that whenever his cousin's family visited their house, the children of the cousin's family were treated with respect, and they were given preference in everything. He was told that they were more important than himself and his sister because they were educated and rich. These kinds of experiences  made Ramu believe that he was 'less than others.' 
• In the later sessions with Ramu, based on his childhood experiences, I constructed his beliefs - about himself, others and life in general. One such belief about himself was that he was not important in comparison to others and so he should not cause inconvenience to others. As a result, he always put the needs of others before his needs and never asserted himself. He had other beliefs like people always use him for their selfishness and that life was boring and had no fun.

  

  Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy

• Then, I helped Ramu to counter those beliefs by confronting whether they were true: Was he not important and whether his needs were not important for him. After discovering his negative beliefs and writing counter statements to them, Ramu understood why he was behaving the way he did. As a result, his behavior changed quickly. He started asserting himself and asking for his needs and started believing that he was 'not less than anybody'. His communication with his superiors improved quickly and suddenly life seemed to be interesting.   

Approaching Psychotherapy Positively... 

Finally, we need to understand that psychotherapy is not just for treating mental illnesses alone, it is also a great tool for personal growth and emotional well-being. However, in India, there is still a stigma attached to people going for psychotherapy. There is a need to change our perspective that any mental health condition needs to be attended with as much seriousness as we attend any physical health condition because...

      ...MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT

For any kind of counseling and psychotherapy needs, you can contact the author. The author is a Psychotherapist, Personal Development Coach, and Behavioral and Communication Trainer.  

How Can You Become a Better Communicator?

We know communication is the most important element for success in business and relationships.

However, often communication between people and groups fails because of the training that we got from the society.

In a society where machines and information  rule, the interpersonal aspect of communication is overlooked as the information aspect of communication takes precedence.

In this context, there are two misconceptions or myths which are responsible for the failure of communication:

Myth No. 1: Communication is Information Transfer

Communication is not just transfer of information. Communication also has to do with emotions. In fact, human communication always happens on two levels: 

1. Information Level: This is the message that we want convey. It is the words we are using to communicate. 
2. Emotional Level: This is about how we feel about the message or the person who is delivering the message. This is about Body Language and connecting to the emotions. 

Myth No.2: Communication is Predominantly Speaking

When I ask the question,"What is communication?", to participants of a training program, the most common answer I get is: "Communication is speaking effectively and making an impression with our speech."

There is so much of focus on speaking in communication that listening does not get its place in the society. As a result, there is so much misunderstanding and fighting in the world.

However, we need to understand that:

• Communication is a Two-Way Process which involves Listening and Speaking.

In fact, Communication is never complete without the listener understanding the message completely and listening is more important than speaking in most situations.

Six Ways You can Become a Better Communicator

1. Believe that you can Communicate Well

People cannot communicate well because they believe deep down that they are not good at communication. This has to do with the beliefs they acquired as children from their relationship with their parents or caretakers. If the parent or caretaker might have told them, "You cannot speak well." and the child believes it to be true. Let me give an example from my counseling practice: 

• Lalitha was a student in a communication training program I was conducting. She approached me saying that she could not communicate well and that she wanted help in communicating with others. However, from my interaction with her in the classroom, I could see that she could speak good English and that she was quite intelligent. But, she believed that she could not speak English well and she could not speak to others. In the course of my therapy sessions with her, she understood that it was her grandparents who told her not to speak before others and that she was not good at anything. I worked with her to make her understand that it was  a belief she was carrying form her childhood. Once she understood that it was a wrong belief about herself that she was carrying all the time, she changed her belief about herself and she became bolder and assertive. In a few days after therapy, her voice and demeanor changed and she could communicate with confidence.  

2. Lose your Fear of Communication

Many people have a fear of communication. They are afraid of speaking in front of a group. They are
even afraid of speaking with a stranger.

This fear of communication is deep as it relates to the childhood relationship pattern they had with their parents. If the parents encouraged the child to speak without fear in front of others, the person will become a confident communicator later on. On the other hand, if the parents discouraged the child from speaking with others,  the child develops a fear of communication. A sign of this fear in everyday life is: our body shrinks whenever we go to meet someone or speak before a group.

3. Listen More than you Speak

By default, people speak more than they listen in an interaction. But for better communication, we should listen more and speak less in any interaction. As a rule, we must listen first and speak later. If
we listen first, then we will understand what the other person is saying and we will know what to say.

My favorite statement on communication is: "Most of the problems of the world would be solved if only people listened." 

4. Connect to the Feeling as well as to the Content

As I mentioned earlier in this article, there are two levels of communication: Information level and Emotional level. If you only listen to the content or information in the conversation, you are missing out more than 80% of the communication.(Refer my article The Body is the Medium dated 18 April, 2020 for more on Body Language).

When you are interacting with someone, pay attention not only to what they are saying but also how they are saying i.e. their Body Language. Paying attention to their posture, gestures, facial expressions and their tone of voice will give clues to what they are feeling as they are speaking.

5. Formulate your Message Well

Before you communicate, you must formulate your message. If you have to get into a structured communication, structure your message along these steps:

• Be clear about why you want to communicate
• Learn about the listener or audience
• Think over what to say
• Order the flow of information
• Be open to what the listener has to say while communicating

6. Visualize and Practice for Successful Communication  

Visualizing is seeing your goal as already accomplished in your mind's eye. Practice is actualization
i.e. bringing that vision into reality. Follow these pointers in
visualization and practice:

• Visualize the end result you want
• Be as specific and detailed as possible in visualization
• Use all the five senses in your visualization
• Practice in front of a mirror first, then in front of a friend or colleague

Following these steps will help one become a better communicator. As with any any aspect of personal development, improving communication is changing oneself from inside out.

So, WORK ON YOURSELF FROM INSIDE OUT!



To learn more about communication and to overcome the fear of communication, you can contact the author in person.  The author is a Life Coach, Communication Trainer and Psychotherapist.  

The Body is the Medium

The Body as the Primary Communicator

What our body communicates is more powerful than what we communicate orally i.e. through our words and voice signals

Understanding Body Language becomes crucial in every important interaction in life:

• A psychologist or psychotherapist understands the negative patterns of behavior and feelings the client is struggling with, by observing the client's bodily reactions.

• When we meet a person for the first time, we can say if he is a cheerful kind of a person or gloomy kind of a person by looking at their facial muscles and body posture. 

• A person talking to her friend knows whether her friend is happy with what she is saying or not by looking at the eye movements and facial expressions

Dr. Mehrabian's 7--38--55 Rule of Communication

Dr. Albert Mehrabian, an Iranian psychologist researched on non-verbal communication in the 1960's and came up with a rule for face-to-face or interpersonal communication. He proposed that there are three elements that contribute to the happening of communication. The three elements that contributed to our communication are: Spoken Word, Voice Signals and Body Language. He concluded that the three elements contributed to the happening of communication in the following ratio:

•          7% by Words 
•          35% by Voice Quality (Tone, Pitch, Volume and Pause)
•          58% by Body Language

From the above chart, we can understand the weightage Body Language carries in face-t-face or interpersonal communication.

The Different Aspects of Body Language

Body Language gives a lot of clues to understand a person and his or her personality. There are many aspects of body language that psychologists study. However, the following are the most elementary aspects of body language: 

1. Body Stiffness or Muscular Relaxation: When we meet some people, we know that they are very stiff and their body is uptight. We know immediately that these kinds of people do not mingle with others that easily and we know that we cannot make friends with them easily. We all know communication with such people is difficult because they do not open up easily.
2. Body Vibrations or Energy:  When we meet people, we also experience certain vibrations from them. We know how energetic that person is as well as the dominant emotion of that person by these vibrations. We speak in terms of positive vibrations and negative vibrations we get from people.
3. The Breathing Signals: By observing the breathing, we can understand the emotional state of a person. For example, a short and irregular breath indicates anxiety and tension while a deep and slow breath indicates calmness and composure. A sigh can indicate desperation or relief and a sniff can indicate disgust. 
4. Carriage and Gait: The way one carries his body around and walks can tell a lot about his personality. We can differentiate between a person who is arrogant and a person who is low in confidence by looking at the way he or she walks.
5. Sitting and Standing Postures: Posture reveals a lot about a person's mental state. Erect and square shoulders indicate a confident personality while a bent spine and drooped shoulders indicate somebody who is not very confident.
6. Gestures: The way we move our hands is called a ‘gesture’. A gesture like a sharp throw of the hand can indicate anger while folded hands can indicate disinterest or caution.
7. Facial Muscles and Expression: The face is an index of not only the mind, but of the whole personality. Paul Ekman, the world's authority on facial expressions, says that there are 43 muscles in the face representing different emotions. (https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-physiology-of-facial-expressions)
8. Eye contact and Eye Movement: The eyes can express a whole range of emotions-from a sadistic look to a secret smile. The way we move our can also indicate the thinking and emotion of the person.

Body Language and Script Analysis in TA

Transactional Analysis says that person’s body language and their script are related. A person’s script can be studied by studying the signals he or she is sending through their body language. Dr. Eric Berne calls these ‘Script Signals.” 

Six Therapeutic Ways That can Improve your Body Language

Since body language is a reflection of one’s personality deep down, we need to take steps that change the person inside out. Hence I am suggesting some activities that change the person inside out and that way change in body language happens.

1. Focus on Improving your Posture:  Posture is just not a reflection of one’s confidence; it is a reflection of one’s belief s about oneself and the world. A person with a stooping body posture thinks that he is not good enough as a person and that he cannot handle the world. People with stooping body posture can benefit by doing yoga. Yoga can improve the posture of a person considerably. Even other ways like Physiotherapy Exercises can help one in straitening the spine.

   

   Yoga

2. Release the Pent-up Emotions in the Body: From the point of view of therapy, our body is carrying the pent-up emotions that have been stored since our childhood.  Hence one needs to focus on releasing these pent-up feelings rather than just focusing on outward actions. Massage is one way to clear our pent up emotions. Any kind of massage can heal, but therapeutic massage can have better effect.   Massage relaxes the body muscles and it helps one in becoming a happier person. In that way, massage also cures a person of her script. Massage releases the emotions suppressed in the body and can make a person come out of their emotional past.
   
   

   

   Massage

3. Relax the Facial Muscles: As I mentioned earlier, the face is the index of personality and can show the beliefs and feelings of a person. The level of relaxability of face indicates how happy a person is and whether she has any behavioral issues. One of the best ways to relax the facial muscles is practicing the full-blown smile. In his book, “What Do You Say After You Say Hello?” Eric Berne talks about the smile of the Fijian Islanders. He says “a genuine Fijian smile starts slowly, it illuminates the whole face, it rests there long enough to be clearly recognized…”  Paul Ekman says, in a genuine smile, almost the whole face is illuminated in

   

   A Full-blown Smile

   which even the eyebrows and the skin between the upper eyelid and the eyebrow are involved.
4. Get Rid of your Fears:  Our fears also inhibit us from being free and relaxed. Most people have the fear of facing people; most also have the fear of speaking or appearing in front of a group. Once we overcome these fears, our body and face relax and we communicate better with the body. The posture can improve as well as our gestures can be spontaneous.
5. Engage yourself in a Passion or Hobby: Engaging oneself in a hobby or a passion also relaxes the person as they forget themselves in that activity. Often, the passion or hobby heals the emotional blocks of the person and they become relieved from their negative emotional patterns. This improves their overall body language.
6. Develop Intimate Relationships: Love is the best therapy. When we have intimate relationships, we become free of our negative past. Once we are free of our negative past, our body language improves as our body learns to relax and trust the other person

Besides all the methods above, getting psychotherapy is a systematic way to get rid of our inhibitions and contaminations in thought and feeling. 

• Transactional Analysis (TA) Therapy, in particular, will help a person to systematically dismantle their prejudices and delusions and thus release the body of its emotional built-up. 
• Body Psychotherapy or Somatic Therapy which works directly with the body releases the body of the emotional stress accumulated in the in the body. As a result, the body language of a person will be more relaxed, more confident and stress-free. The posture, gestures, facial expressions will improve and muscular relaxation will happen and breathing will be deep and stable.     

What do you Want to Change Today?

What is Personality Development?

Many people ask me, "What is Personality Development? I ask them back, "What do you want to change about yourself today?" They look at me dismayed.

Often people want to develop their personality, but do not know what is Personality. Hence they are confused as to what to develop about themselves. 

First let me ask you, "What is Personality?"

Your Personality is: 

• How you talk to people, i.e your style of communication
• How you dress, your hairstyle, your appearance, i.e. your personal style
• How you feel about something i.e your feelings
• How you think about an issue, i.e. your thinking 
• How you react to a situation, i.e your actions   etc.... 

So, your Personality is made up of your: 

• Thoughts
• Feelings and 
• Behaviour (Actions)  

These three aspects of your personality are interrelated. One can not be separated from another.

• For example, you want to change the way you react to your colleagues when you are angry, i.e you don't want to shout at them or throw things.

Now, if you look at the three aspects of the personality, your action or behavior is the last aspect of the personality. The other two aspects of personality, i.e. your thoughts and your feelings have a great say in your behaviour. In fact, they have all the say in your behavior. In other words, they are the deciding factors for your behaviour. What it means is that if you had different thoughts about the issue, you would have different feelings about the issue and your reaction would have been completely a different one. For example, you would have asked about why the results are low for the quarter rather than shout or throw the papers.

Personality Development is about Change

 

So, Personality Development is about what you want to change about yourself. For example, you might want to :

• Speak more assertively with others
• Enjoy better relationship with your better half 
• Give an effective presentation
• Manage time more productively
• Exercise daily

All the above are examples of personality development.

The Challenging Part

However, the difficult part is: How do you bring about the change in yourself?

Well, it requires: 

• A strong desire to change 
• A strong determination to bring about the change, and more importantly, 
• Someone to guide you to bring about the change: a Coach, a Counselor, a Therapist

All in all, it requires a determined action and the help of a qualified person to bring about that desired change in yourself. So, 

GO GET THAT CHANGE.....